if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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