she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
