We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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