i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
