mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
