do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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