So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Drake has all the answers
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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