life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
