The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
