Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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