i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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