did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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