I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Send help, water and tortillas.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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