How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
