i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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