I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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