True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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