can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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