I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
