i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
