Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
