my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
