so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Can you bring me the toilet please
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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