I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
