That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My penis needs a shock collar
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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