she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize