How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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