I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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