I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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