did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
