There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
