The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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