I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
