my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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