I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
