mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize