if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
