My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
