And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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