I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
