dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
