i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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