i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she smelled like a LAN party
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
don't judge my taste in strippers
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
