We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize