Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I think people are normalizing furries
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
