my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
