My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
