Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i came on her dog
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
