why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
