My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So vagazzling was a success
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
