why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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