He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
