I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
