We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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