rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Green mimosas i think yes
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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