i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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